I haven’t written in a while, I know… It isn’t that I haven’t had anything to say, it’s just, I didn’t know how to articulate all the things that have been going through my mind the last several months. I feel some days, as though the veil has been pulled from my eyes and I see so many things about life so much clearer. Although, that doesn’t make the day to day any easier, it has just served to remove my comforting safety blanket from around me. Which, I have always said, give me the truth, even if it hurts— no matter how ugly it is.
This week was a real tear. Our daughter was in the hospital again, first time in quite a while. So, that in itself is quite the victory. But it doesn’t make this week any less painful. We were beginning to see shades of last years misadventure in her health, so I knew it was time to take her in. The trauma life is exhausting. I have spent the better part of my silence with the blog meditating and finding new ways to usher in peace. Because to be honest, the old ways weren’t cutting it. I grew frustrated with muttering scriptures and listening to worship music, when some days I just didn’t believe the words. I’m being utterly honest. There is a brutal truth though, I must say to the power of renewing the mind. I believe it is key. But the well from which that renewal comes from isn’t as small as I once believed it to be.
Trauma, when experienced in life as an extreme series of events begins to mold who you are. I’m not speaking of an isolated event, although those carry their own weight too. But I am addressing here is, one event after another and another, sometimes adding up to years of trauma. Inescapable trauma. As for our household, we take all manner or measures to prevent undue trauma. We foresaw the events that unfolded this last week and fought to prevent them but did not have the “modern medical community’s” cooperation. What we experienced could have been prevented, had they listened and acted.
Trauma can be likened to magnets. When one counterpart moves, the other moves. There is an awareness, that is almost superhuman in place that has to exist as such. Without it, survival is compromised. It is living hyper-attuned. You see, after a series of traumatic events and remaining there (especially because you have to) you cannot go back to who you once were because that person no longer exists. The woman I once knew is long gone. We share memories; some common interests, maybe even music but she is far behind me.
I have spent the past several months rediscovering who I am. What makes me tick. What lights my soul on fire. What ushers in peace. What music do I REALLY like? Wow… I have learned so much about myself! I have learned that meditating before bed really helps me quiet my mind so that I can fall asleep faster. I have discovered that smudging sage before bed helps me to feel like I am in tune with nature— even though we live in a concrete jungle. I love watching tv shows and movies that are historically based, maybe with a little bit of a love story to it. I miss rain, a lot. I love reading, it is quite possibly my favorite leisure activity. I have discovered my strength again. I have learned that I CAN keep my mouth shut when I need to and that I don’t have to let my emotions run me. I have discovered that not all my thoughts are mine but that they are in fact things that people have told me, about me. I have learned that to master your mind, you have to be an observer of your own thoughts, rather than allowing them to just run wild on their own. I have realized that I don’t like being told who to be; how to act, dress, speak, what to believe. Now these things, being told who I am, those things nearly choked the life right out of me. I will never be a list of what to do, how to act, what to say. I was not created to be subservient and mild. I have learned to find my voice again and I am learning how to use it, tactfully.
Trauma choked me. It choked the uniqueness right out of me. Other people choked it out of me. Religion choked it out of me. It isn’t anyone else’s fault, I must have allowed it to happen at some point. But a few months ago, I had a realization that it was time I took my power back. I have something that doesn’t belong to anyone else but me and that is ME. Though the world around me presses in, beckoning to shape me into who IT wants me to be, I can stand my ground. Though living a trauma life has molded me into someone completely different than who I once was, I have the choice to not allow it to make me a bitter woman. Instead, I will allow it to add to my storehouse of wisdom and skill. Religion will not place its shackles around my wrists, Christ died to set me free and I am dearly loved! No person or establishment will tell me who to be, that is for me to discover.
This is freedom. These are the wide open spaces that all of us so desire. This isn’t, Hey anything goes but this is figuring out who we are in spite of all that we have been through. And we have a choice. Be a better person, a brighter- more forward looking person? Or do we sink into the depths in our pity and woe and remain there? You choose friend, who are you going to be today? The choice is yours.